In fact, when I was pregnant with Romeo my mind would invent scenarios of how/when/why different things might arise. I would think of things like if he was teased about his name how we would help him to manage that, teaching him about self-protection and avoidance, about the changes of life and body and how boys are different and special, about respecting girls and how to treat them with respect, and also things like personal cleanliness and inappropriate/appropriate ways of managing one's self.
But then there were the different difficult subjects like life and death, emergencies, dangers. Well, anyway you get the idea. These events and subjects are all around us and, for me, I'd rather explain/discuss/come upon some of these subjects in a thoughtful, well thought out parental way (as opposed to my children being told, for example, that Santa Claus might not be real by some horrid child or adult (thinking of Dennis the menace film here) without thought for my child's feelings!). Yes, I have high hopes for my little world!
I have naturally adopted the approach of discussing things as they arise, with sufficient information to be clear (even if not necessarily understood in all its complexities) and not too much more information than is necessary or appropriate based on factors such as age and gender. This applies to everything, and as an example, when my children show an interest in learning something (such as reading/writing/maths/telling time/the list goes on...) I make sure to take the time to sit and discuss, teach, and reinforce this interest. There is no time like the present and taking advantage of such opportunities is in itself highly advantageous to the learning process I have found.
So, getting back to the subject at hand, to me death is a sad but very real subject. I grew up on a farm and so my exposure to life and death was very profound and first-hand experience was unavoidable! People, animals, plants, living organisms experience life in some form and have some form of death or at least life changes (e.g. metamorphosis).
I have experienced loss and have grieved in my own way for many different reasons. I have also been aware that, like me, Romeo and Persia are likely to experience this event at an earlier age than some people. In part because they are lucky enough to have many generations of family, including great-grandparents to love, and because we have a family farm. They are going to face this event at some point.
When opportunities have arisen I have talked very casually (can you be that casual? No! But hopefully you get what I mean) about death and have talked about people who I have loved who are no longer here. For example, we have photos of people and animals that are not 'visible' for the children to know.
I have also, in the midst of discussions on road safety, discussed dead animals laying in the road (I realise this will not be everyone's cup of tea but I take opportunity AND because we visit a rural area where my parents live, almost weekly, it is kind of hard to avoid anyway). At my parents farm there have been unavoidable experiences of death, thus the subject requires discussion.
I wasn't sure how to really explain to young children the meaning of death, so I haven't. I have simply said that when a living being dies, its body is no longer needed and so we respect it with a burial and their beautiful soul rises up into the sky so that we know where to look for them for comfort should we want to 'see' them. I have said that the twinkling stars are their souls shining on us and that even though we don't know which one they might be, we have so many beautiful souls to look to and feel loved should we need that.
Talking about death has had interesting 'side effects', if they might be called that!
When Romeo was new to school a few months back we had been discussing my Grandfather Ian who had died 20 years ago (not that that kind of time was graspable for Romeo). At a totally different time, but at around that time, we were talking about what news he could present at school. Romeo decided he wanted to do 'bad news' and was going to tell them that my Grandfather had died! Excellent, but No! Why? Well, firstly, because I don't think it's appropriate to do 'bad' news at school and because this is not news! Okay Mama! Phew! Got past that one. A few days later.....out of the blue....Why did your Uncle Ian die? Bugger (said in my head!). Well, firstly honey, it wasn't my Uncle, he was my Grandad (an Uncle has the same name so understandable confusion). Secondly love, he was a little old and a little sick and his body just couldn't carry on anymore. Okay Mama! Phew (again)!
Looking at photos with his Father, Romeo asked whether he/she was dead, had they died? For me this is not such an odd question because we had been talking about the subject and because Romeo has never met these people. Many of Romeo's family members (such as his Baba's family who live in Iran) live overseas. Many we will meet one day soon. I think his Father took his questions as a kind of insult because he didn't think about it from Romeo's perspective. Mortality and family can be a very different thing when important family members live far away.
The subject of death was raised about 3 weeks ago when our dear little chihuahua dog 'Puppy' died. He was the grand old age of almost 17! While he has spent all of my children's lives living with my parents (for his safety and my children's!) he has been a most loved and constant part of our lives, especially when we visited my parents - which is usually weekly.
When my sister called to tell me he had died, I was extremely sad. Romeo doesn't really see me like that and so he laughed. I decided to explain to him why I was sad and about puppy's death. This was a tangible event to be utilised for learning.
I was sad but very serious and explained the situation. Once Romeo realised what I was saying, he also realised that he should and indeed felt very sad. He cried, and actually was very upset for a while that evening. Persia was also thoughful and we talked alot about puppy. Persia talked about how 'Venus' the rabbit had died at kindy, as had the fish.
We talked about the event at different times over the next few days.
Initially, I had planned to bury sweet Puppy without the children being present (thought I better add the 'being present' bit because otherwise it read that I was burying the dog without the children - which just sounded like I wasn't burying them with him (which I wasn't...ah well you know what I mean!)) because I felt that they did not need to experience the whole process in one go. However, the best laid plans don't always work and so they were a part of the process.
We went to the farm that weekend with the express plan to bury puppy and his big dog friend Kuhmo, who had been waiting patiently (as ashes in a box) to be buried with his best little bud.
I had originally wanted to see puppy and have a last cuddle but unfortunately he had become what I termed a 'pupsicle' because he had to be frozen while waiting for his funeral! I felt disinclined to see him in this state.
We arrived at the bush gate where we were burying Puppy and Kuhmo, positioned at the entrance across from Puppy's 'wife' Mooshi who had died 11 years earlier. Said hole was gratefully dug by grumpy Grandad (he's not good with events and situations lol - but exceptional at doing eulogies (not that we actually did one for Puppy)!) and Granny.
I picked dear sweet pupsicle up all bundled in a snuggly cardigan (thanks Mum) and a towel (thank heavens) and was waiting to pass him down into his final resting place when Romeo asked to see him. Ah.......ah....look to my mother, look to my sister, ah.....look to mum again....ah....I didn't really want to see him. Please? Please mama? With facial expressions and so brief words over the heads of children I ascertained that he just looked like he was sleeping (rather than a weirdly frozen dead dog - grateful). So I agreed. Persia and Romeo got very close and touched his little head. He indeed just looked asleep as Pershi sweetly decided!
I shed a few tears out of eye of the kids (as did my sister) and then after the two dogs were resting nicely (we will plant a tree for the 'boys' at a later date), we headed into the bush for a much needed adventure to feel lighter.
The day turned out to be a beautiful one and we had a very wonderful time. A while later I was in the farm kitchen with Romeo and he was keeping himself out of shot of my parents' dog Missy - who is a mischievious teen? puppy and not on the small side (at all). She was being excitable and Romeo is rather adverse to big boisterous dogs who potentially bowl him over. Mid-conversation he ever-so-seriously said we should bury Missy.
Well. Ah. I imploded. Internal laughter is hard to maintain but I did so as best I could and tried to equally seriously say that that was not a good idea and not something to be done (for some reason this brought to my mind an image of a nicely dressed foreign mafia 'gentleman' in a warm dark overcoat digging a rather large hole in the Nevada desert...not something I will be encouraging in my family!!). Then I proceeded to lighten everyone's heart with a recount of Romeo's suggestion for Missy when he was out of ear shot!
That was one of the nicest burial days I've expereinced! Thank you Romeo and Persia for helping to create a happy sad event! There is so much to be said for the innocence and reality of children. The honesty of young children is unrivalled.
This is to Puppy, Mooshi, Kuhmo, Lucy, Zara, Major, Sally, and all the loved animals and people we have loved and miss. Always loved, always remembered. Forever missing you...
Ed. xx
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